i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
