I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
