Well douche your snatch and let's go!
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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