having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
