I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
sex in a hospital.. check
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
