my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
