I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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