she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
