I heard we made out
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I believe in your delicious
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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