She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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