I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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