The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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