I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
