Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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