so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
