atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
