I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
