Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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