did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
