so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
