I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Two words: blizzard sex
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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