Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
