Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
