I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
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Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
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She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just had sex on a roof
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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