Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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