suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
