I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
