Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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