summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
