chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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