It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
