he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
