mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
