Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
