just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
