an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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