Life is so much better after having sex.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
