The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
