I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Someone shattered a urinal.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
