She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
