we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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