I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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