Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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