he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
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We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
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As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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