god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
