at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
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but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
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WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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