Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
