I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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