If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
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To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
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PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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