I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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