Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
