There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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