yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
