I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
