saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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