at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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